Spot the Warning Signs: Empower Yourself to Recognize Unhealthy Relationships
Hi there. My name is Amanda Erin, and I want to talk about something that’s not always easy to discuss: relationships. Specifically, the moments when they start to feel less like a partnership and more like a puzzle you can’t solve.
I’m lucky to be married to my wonderful husband, Kevin Clarence. Our relationship isn’t perfect no one’s is but over the years, we’ve learned that the foundation of a healthy bond is built on respect, trust, and open communication.
But what happens when that foundation starts to crack? Sometimes the signs are subtle, like tiny hairline fractures you can barely see. Other times, they’re like a giant neon sign blinking “DANGER,” but we’re too close to read the warning.
I’ve had friends, family, and even my own past experiences show me what it looks like when things go sour. It’s a topic close to my heart because I believe everyone deserves to feel safe, valued, and happy in their relationship.
So, let’s get real about it. We’re going to walk through the red flags the big, the small, and the ones that hide in plain sight. This isn’t about judging or pointing fingers. It’s about empowering you with the knowledge to recognize what’s not right, so you can make the best decisions for yourself.
The Communication Breakdown
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. When it’s good, everything else feels more manageable. But when it breaks down, it’s one of the first and most glaring signs that something is fundamentally wrong. It’s not just about arguing; it’s about how you communicate even when you disagree.
Constant Criticism and Contempt
One of the most corrosive elements in a relationship is contempt. It goes beyond simple complaints. A complaint is, “I was worried when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.” Criticism turns it into, “You never think about me. You’re so selfish for not calling.” See the difference? One addresses a behavior, the other attacks character.
When I was younger, I dated someone who was a master of the backhanded compliment and subtle dig. If I was excited about a small work achievement, he’d say something like, “That’s nice. It’s good you have a little hobby to keep you busy.” It was meant to sound supportive, but it always left me feeling small and deflated. That’s criticism disguised as a joke, and it’s toxic.
Contempt is criticism’s uglier, more dangerous sibling. It’s a mix of anger and disgust, and it looks like:
- Sarcasm and Mockery: Not the playful, fun kind, but the kind meant to belittle you.
- Eye-Rolling: A non-verbal sign of complete disrespect.
- Name-Calling: Using insults like “stupid,” “lazy,” or worse.
- Hostile Humor: Jokes made at your expense that aren’t funny to you.
When your partner regularly treats you with contempt, they are essentially saying they have no respect for you. A healthy relationship cannot survive without mutual respect. It’s just not possible.
The Stonewalling Tactic
Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with your partner, only for them to completely shut down? They might stare at the TV, scroll through their phone, or just walk out of the room. This is stonewalling, and it’s a refusal to engage.
It’s one of the most frustrating things to experience because it makes resolving conflict impossible. You’re left talking to a literal wall. Kevin and I made a pact early on that no matter how heated things get, we don’t walk away mid-conversation. We can take a five-minute breather to cool down, but we always agree to come back and finish the discussion. That’s the key: agreeing to stay engaged.
Stonewalling isn’t just ignoring you; it’s a power move. It sends the message: “Your feelings don’t matter enough for me to listen. This conversation is over because I say it is.”
It’s a unilateral decision that leaves the other person feeling helpless and unheard. If this is a regular occurrence, it’s a massive red flag that your partner is unwilling to work through problems as a team.
The Subtle Art of Control
Control in a relationship doesn’t always look like someone demanding you do what they say. It’s often much more subtle and insidious. It can creep in so slowly that you don’t even notice it’s happening until you feel completely trapped.
Financial Control
Money is a common source of stress for couples, but in an unhealthy relationship, it can become a tool for control. Does your partner control all the finances and give you an “allowance”? Do they question every single purchase you make? Do they prevent you from working or having your own bank account?
A friend of mine, let’s call her Sarah, was in a relationship where her partner handled all the money. He said it was because he was “better with numbers.” At first, she thought it was helpful. But soon, she had to ask for money to buy groceries.
If she wanted to buy a new pair of shoes, she had to justify it. He would go through her receipts and question her spending. She felt like a child, not an equal partner.
Eventually, Sarah realized this wasn’t about him being “good with numbers.” It was about keeping her dependent on him. Without access to her own money, leaving felt impossible. This is a classic, and very serious, form of control. In a healthy partnership, financial decisions are made together, with transparency and mutual respect.
Isolation from Your Support System
One of the most effective tactics a controlling partner can use is to isolate you from your friends and family. This doesn’t happen overnight. It starts with small comments:
- “Your sister is so dramatic. Do we have to see her this weekend?”
- “Your friends are a bad influence on you. I don’t like it when you go out with them.”
- “They don’t really care about you. I’m the only one who truly loves you.”
Slowly but surely, they create wedges between you and the people who love you. They might make you feel guilty for spending time with others or create drama every time you have plans.
The goal is to make them the center of your universe, the only person you rely on. Why? Because if you have a strong support system, you have people who will notice the red flags and give you the strength to leave. An isolated person is much easier to control.
Questioning Your Every Move
Does your partner need to know where you are and who you’re with at all times? Do they check your phone, read your emails, or monitor your social media? This isn’t protectiveness; it’s a profound lack of trust and a desire for control.
This constant monitoring is exhausting. It makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, afraid of doing something “wrong.” You might start changing your behavior to avoid an interrogation.
Maybe you stop texting a friend because you don’t want to explain the conversation later. Maybe you lie about going for coffee because it’s easier than dealing with the 20 questions that will follow.
This is not normal. Trust is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. You should feel free to have your own life, your own friends, and your own privacy without feeling like you’re under surveillance. A partner who trusts you doesn’t need to track your every move.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
An unhealthy relationship often feels like a rollercoaster you can’t get off. There are dizzying highs and devastating lows, and you never know what’s coming next. This emotional volatility is designed to keep you off-balance and dependent.
The Cycle of Abuse: Explosion, Honeymoon, and Tension
This is a classic pattern in many unhealthy and abusive relationships. It’s a vicious cycle that can be incredibly difficult to break.
- The Tension-Building Phase: This is where the walking on eggshells begins. You can feel the tension rising. Your partner might be moody, critical, and easily angered. You try to do everything right to keep them calm, but it feels like a storm is brewing no matter what you do.
- The Explosive Incident: The tension finally breaks. This can be a huge fight, a screaming match, name-calling, or even physical violence. It’s an outburst of anger and control that leaves you feeling scared, hurt, and confused.
- The Honeymoon Phase: After the explosion comes the calm. Your partner is suddenly incredibly sorry. They might cry, beg for forgiveness, and promise it will never happen again. They shower you with affection, buy you gifts, and remind you of the person you first fell in love with. This phase is powerful because it gives you hope. You think, “Maybe they really have changed. Maybe it was just a one-time thing.”
But then, slowly, the tension starts to build again, and the cycle repeats. This rollercoaster is addictive and confusing. The good times feel so good that they make you forget the bad times, but the pattern is the real problem. A healthy relationship doesn’t have a recurring “explosion” phase.
Constant Jealousy and Possessiveness
A little bit of jealousy can be normal now and then. But when it becomes constant and overwhelming, it’s a huge red flag. This isn’t about how much your partner loves you; it’s about their own insecurity and need for control.
Extreme jealousy can look like:
- Accusing you of flirting with everyone you talk to.
- Getting angry when you mention a coworker of the opposite sex.
- Forbidding you from seeing certain friends.
- Demanding you delete your social media accounts.
A friend once told me her boyfriend would get furious if she even “liked” a photo of another man on Instagram. He saw it as a betrayal. This level of possessiveness isn’t romantic. It’s suffocating. It communicates that your partner doesn’t see you as a loyal individual but as a possession they are afraid of losing. You have the right to interact with other human beings without being accused of infidelity.
Common Mistakes to Avoid When Evaluating Your Relationship
It’s hard to be objective when you’re on the inside. Our emotions can cloud our judgment. Here are some common mistakes people make when they start seeing red flags.
- Mistaking Control for Care. It’s easy to rationalize controlling behavior as protectiveness. “He only checks my phone because he worries about me.” or “She just wants to know where I am because she loves me so much.” It’s crucial to distinguish between genuine care and a desire for control. Care is supportive; control is restrictive.
- Focusing on the “Good Times.” In a volatile relationship, the “honeymoon” periods can be incredibly intense and passionate. It’s tempting to cling to those moments and use them to justify the bad times. But a relationship should be judged by how you’re treated consistently, not just during the good moments that follow an explosion.
- Blaming Yourself. Victims of emotional manipulation often start to believe they are the problem. “If I were just a better partner, he wouldn’t get so angry.” or “I must be too sensitive.” This is a defense mechanism, but it’s also a symptom of the emotional abuse itself. You are not responsible for your partner’s actions or their inability to manage their emotions.
- Ignoring Your Gut Feeling. Deep down, you usually know when something is wrong. You feel that knot in your stomach, that sense of anxiety, that feeling of walking on eggshells. Don’t ignore it. Your intuition is one of your most powerful tools. If you feel like something is off, it probably is.
Conclusion
Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is the first, and most courageous, step toward change. It’s not easy to look at the person you love and admit that the dynamic between you is broken and hurtful. But you deserve a relationship where you feel respected, safe, and valued for who you are.
Admitting that your relationship is unhealthy is a huge step. It takes immense strength. Remember that you are not alone, and help is available. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional therapist can provide you with the support and clarity you need.
I truly hope this has been helpful. My husband Kevin and I believe that everyone deserves a partnership that lifts them up, not one that tears them down.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever experienced any of these red flags, or have you seen them in a friend’s relationship? Share your story in the comments if you feel comfortable. Your experience could be the one that helps someone else see their own situation more clearly.
FAQs
Can an unhealthy relationship become healthy?
It’s possible, but it requires a tremendous amount of work from both partners. The person exhibiting the unhealthy behaviors must acknowledge their actions, be genuinely willing to change, and often seek professional help like therapy. The other partner also needs support to heal and establish new, healthy boundaries. It’s not a quick fix and, unfortunately, not always successful, especially if the behaviors are deeply ingrained or abusive.
What’s the difference between a bad day and an unhealthy pattern?
Every couple has bad days or arguments. The difference is frequency and pattern. A bad day is an isolated incident, often followed by a sincere apology and resolution. An unhealthy pattern is a recurring cycle of hurtful behavior. If you find yourself “walking on eggshells” constantly, or if the same toxic arguments happen over and over without resolution, you’re likely dealing with a pattern, not just a bad day.
My partner says I’m “too sensitive” when I bring up these issues. Am I?
This is a common gaslighting technique. “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re overreacting,” or “You can’t take a joke” are phrases used to dismiss your valid feelings and make you question your own sanity. It shifts the blame from their behavior to your reaction. A loving partner would listen to your concerns and try to understand your feelings, not invalidate them.
How do I help a friend who I think is in an unhealthy relationship?
This is a delicate situation. The best approach is to be a supportive, non-judgmental listener. Express your concern using “I” statements, like “I’m worried about you because I’ve noticed…” instead of “Your partner is terrible.” Remind them that you are there for them no matter what. Avoid criticizing their partner directly, as this can cause them to become defensive. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open and empower them to make their own decisions.
What if I recognize some of these signs but I’m not ready to leave?
That’s a very common and understandable feeling. Leaving a relationship is a complex process. The first step is acknowledging the issues. Start by setting small, firm boundaries. Seek individual therapy to build your self-esteem and get an outside perspective. Begin building or strengthening your support system outside of the relationship. Creating a safety plan, especially if you fear for your physical safety, is also a critical step. Take it one day at a time.
